[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ _module_preset=”default” background_color=”rgba(0,0,0,0)” custom_margin=”-30px||||false|false” custom_margin_tablet=”-6px||||false|false” custom_margin_phone=”0vw||||false|false” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|desktop” custom_padding=”10px||||false|false” da_disable_devices=”off|off|off” global_colors_info=”{}” da_is_popup=”off” da_exit_intent=”off” da_has_close=”on” da_alt_close=”off” da_dark_close=”off” da_not_modal=”on” da_is_singular=”off” da_with_loader=”off” da_has_shadow=”on”][et_pb_row use_custom_gutter=”on” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|phone” _builder_version=”4.16″ _module_preset=”default” width=”100%” max_width=”1450px” custom_margin=”||||false|false” custom_margin_tablet=”” custom_margin_phone=”0px||||false|false” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|phone” custom_padding=”||0px|||” custom_padding_tablet=”” custom_padding_phone=”0px||||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/banner_life_center2-1.jpg” title_text=”21″ align=”center” _builder_version=”4.16″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” admin_label=”Header” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”#f9f6f5″ background_image=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/trans-shiva.png” background_size=”contain” background_position=”top_right” custom_margin=”-43px||||false|false” custom_padding=”4px|||||” custom_padding_tablet=”60px||||false|false” custom_padding_phone=”” da_disable_devices=”off|off|off” locked=”off” global_colors_info=”{}” da_is_popup=”off” da_exit_intent=”off” da_has_close=”on” da_alt_close=”off” da_dark_close=”off” da_not_modal=”on” da_is_singular=”off” da_with_loader=”off” da_has_shadow=”on”][et_pb_row column_structure=”3_5,2_5″ _builder_version=”4.22.1″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”|100px||15px|false|false” custom_padding=”||||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”3_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.23.1″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n
By Sarah Hodges<\/span><\/p>\n I feel very honored to have a writer and human being with such an authentic voice as Sarah Hodges to pen the lead story this month. Sarah even illustrates her own writing! Perhaps you should know that the same beautiful, talented individual who so fabulously played that extremely dynamic role of <\/span>Pele<\/span><\/a><\/span> is the author of the story you are about to read. (Parenthetically, let me assure you from my <\/span>last letter<\/span><\/a><\/span> that my hero husband Cliff did indeed complete his annual solo Molokai channel crossing outrigger race this past weekend. However, conditions were so dangerous with 30+ foot wave faces, he has wisely decided not to strain his guardian angels any further, so will make this year\u2019s competition his last.) And now, let me leave you to fully take in Sarah\u2019s powerful journey into vulnerability.<\/span> – Ren\u00e9e Tillotson<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n I’ve gathered a bouquet of \u2018shoulds<\/em>\u2019 messily arranging all the parts together and holding them in my arms as I walk around these past weeks. \u2018I should<\/em> have been so many things that I\u2019m not\u2019, the mantra plays. The flowers of shame droop in my arms, their prickly stems dig into my bare skin. I\u2019m uncomfortable, tense. I imagine people can see it on my face, smell it from my pores, just as I thought for all those years when I was young that they could see the shame on me.<\/p>\n I know it\u2019s not an uncommon story, which saddens me. So many children fall to the hands of physical abuse, trauma, and other unfortunate circumstances of the bigger, mixed-up, messy world. Sometimes it seems best to tuck these happenings deep down into the furthest corners of oneself, to evade the daunting and unclear path of \u2018dealing with\u2019 the equally messy and disorienting unpacking. Sometimes the \u2018dealing with\u2019 doesn\u2019t begin until adulthood.<\/p>\n As I take off for an artists workshop in California, I realize that I want more than anything to find healing and see why I\u2019ve felt a big roadblock for so many years. This is by no means the beginning of a process, but as climbs and plateaus go, I can feel the terrain under me turning into another steep incline.<\/p>\n And so, with a curious mind and heart, I arrive on a snowy mountainside in Idyllwild, California amongst a group of seventeen full-spirited, bright-eyed artists. The first two chapters of my travel are like a gift. Loving hugs of new and old friends, an abundance of work, soulful conversations, tea with close friends, talks by the fireplace, laughter over tacos, and the whole enchilada.<\/p>\n I travel back and forth from LA to New Orleans and then back again. The final chapter of this trips lands me in New Orleans for a second time, and by the grace of a new friendship, I\u2019m generously accommodated. This is when the old shame and guilt start to creep in. I\u2019m not quick to catch it.<\/p>\n As I walk around New Orleans this time, I\u2019m interested in taking photos, hearing great music, meeting people, and yet this pile of shame starts stacking taller and taller on my head like a pile of bricks. I\u2019m trying to hold them together, they\u2019re threatening to crash down. The more time I walk alone, the more I feel I need to hold up this life-sized poster board image of myself. Nobody wants to see that horrible shameful image that I feel inside. Of course, by now, holding up the poster board is not difficult. I’ve practiced it for so many years, since I was young and buried in a deep suffering that I thought I must hide, must keep anyone from knowing, must not let anyone find the truth.<\/p>\n Trauma patterns can come with a barrage of self-blame: \u2018I should<\/em> be able to get through this, I should<\/em> be able to just overcome this, I should<\/em> have figured this out a long time ago.\u2019<\/p>\n By the third day, I\u2019m walking with a full-fledged shame monster barking at me everywhere I turn. I walk down the street, hiding behind the dead bouquet of shoulds<\/em>, shoulders and head held high, but inwardly screaming, shaking, shuddering, ashes. As I walk, a girl around my age crosses my path and stops. She tells me with clarity and grace, \u201cYou\u2019re beautiful.\u201d Then she pauses and adds, \u201cAnd if anyone tells you you\u2019re not it\u2019s because they\u2019re jealous.\u201d I give her the best thank you I have in me, and we both keep walking our separate ways. I\u2019m left wondering what she saw, and what she would think if she knew how broken down I felt in that moment.<\/p>\n A few days pass and I\u2019m in full brawl with my internal monsters. Holding tightly onto the bouquet of shame, trying to turn the wilted flowers into a beautiful spring array, trying to act normal, trying to keep a good attitude, trying to be friendly, trying, trying, trying. I haven\u2019t had friends around for a few days, and finally get myself to answer a good friend\u2019s phone call. Her cheerful voice and our closeness and trust bring me energy for a moment.<\/p>\n I\u2019m just beginning to say something to her when I see an older man in his 70\u2019s walking out from a nearby gas station. His arms are open wide, reaching up toward the sky, and he\u2019s looking at me. As I get a little further down the sidewalk I see he\u2019s walking in my direction and then he very simply asks me, \u201cCan I have a hug?\u201d I laugh and say \u201cSure\u201d and give him a big hug as my friend listens a little confusedly from the phone line. I say goodbye and tell him, \u201cHave a great day,\u201d and he playfully replies, \u201cAny day with you is a great day.\u201d I laugh again, but inwardly wonder why I don\u2019t feel this way.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat happened?\u201d my friend asks me when I return to her call.<\/p>\n \u201cAn old man wanted a hug,\u201d I tell her. \u201cBut actually, I think I needed the hug more than he did.\u201d I keep walking and talking, and I realize how much warmer and gentler I feel inside.<\/p>\n The shame monster doesn\u2019t let up though. By the evening it is back swinging punches at me. I\u2019m taking the blows, sometimes ducking in time, mostly not. The monster tells me I am worthless, I am not good enough, that nobody likes me. Some of my ducks are successful. I tell myself this dark transit will pass, that I\u2019ll come to clear sight again.<\/p>\n I am deeply aware of how tempting it is to slip into a sense of victimhood. The journey from feeling like a victim to self-supporter is a profound process in its own right. I believe there is a bridge between understanding how trauma affects the neural pathways of our brain and believing in grace and our ability to adapt and heal.<\/p>\n At some point, I catch a cold which lands me in bed for five days, without the energy to battle anything other than the physical malady. Everything stops. I rest, sleep, take short walks around the room, let go. The shame also softens its grip. It begins to look gentler, less menacing, like a lion who just has no energy left. I can see that it is tired, too. It has given its toughest fight.<\/p>\n It is no match for the quiet pulse of spirit that lives inside me, far beyond the reaches of any thoughts.<\/p>\n The ugly bouquet of should<\/em> begins to shrink to the size of a penny. It has just been too close to my face for me to realize how small it actually is. Grace comes through the windows reassuring me of the ever-changing magnitudes of life. Although small things can shape-shift and appear big in moments, nothing is so big that does not later become much smaller.<\/p>\n I can only explain this as a knowing that enters my mind, maybe even into the cells of my body like a gust of wind entering the room. Not a new realization, yet a new layer of this realization.<\/p>\n Energy returns to my body. The shame monster, now looking like a house cat, peers up at me as I tap its head, agreeing to not brawl it out for now. I step out of the house, tossing the little dry bouquet of shoulds<\/em> into the garden to soften with rain and sun and become part of the soil where something new will grow.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”2_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/05\/Screenshot-2024-05-09-at-9.41.47-PM.jpeg” title_text=”Screenshot 2024-05-09 at 9.41.47 PM” _builder_version=”4.23.1″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”||20px||false|false” custom_padding=”||50px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/05\/PNG-image.jpeg” title_text=”PNG image” _builder_version=”4.23.1″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”||20px||false|false” custom_padding=”||50px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/05\/Screenshot-2024-05-09-at-10.02.47-PM.jpeg” title_text=”Screenshot 2024-05-09 at 10.02.47 PM” _builder_version=”4.23.1″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”||20px||false|false” custom_padding=”||50px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/05\/PNG-image-1.jpeg” title_text=”PNG image” _builder_version=”4.23.1″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”||20px||false|false” custom_padding=”||50px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/05\/PNG-image-2.jpeg” title_text=”PNG image” _builder_version=”4.23.1″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”||20px||false|false” custom_padding=”||50px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/05\/Screenshot-2024-05-09-at-9.30.17-PM-1.jpeg” title_text=”Screenshot 2024-05-09 at 9.30.17 PM” _builder_version=”4.23.1″ _module_preset=”default” custom_margin=”||20px||false|false” custom_padding=”||50px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ custom_padding_last_edited=”on|tablet” admin_label=”Header” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”#f9f6f5″ background_image=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/trans-shiva.png” background_size=”contain” background_position=”top_right” custom_margin=”0px||||false|false” custom_padding=”84px||0px|||” custom_padding_tablet=”60px||||false|false” custom_padding_phone=”” da_disable_devices=”off|off|off” locked=”off” global_colors_info=”{}” da_is_popup=”off” da_exit_intent=”off” da_has_close=”on” da_alt_close=”off” da_dark_close=”off” da_not_modal=”on” da_is_singular=”off” da_with_loader=”off” da_has_shadow=”on”][et_pb_row column_structure=”2_5,3_5″ use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”2″ custom_padding_last_edited=”on|desktop” _builder_version=”4.16″ width=”100%” max_width=”1500px” custom_margin=”-80px||||false|false” custom_padding=”30px|30px|30px|30px|true|true” custom_padding_tablet=”30px|20px|30px|20px|true|true” custom_padding_phone=”” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”2_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/letter_renee.jpg” title_text=”21″ align=”center” disabled_on=”on|on|off” _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”3_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.16″ _module_preset=”default” text_text_color=”#000000″ text_line_height=”2.4em” header_3_font=”santana||||||||” header_3_font_size=”32px” custom_margin=”-25px||1px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.16″ _module_preset=”default” text_text_color=”#000000″ text_line_height=”2.4em” header_3_font_size=”32px” custom_margin=”||1px||false|false” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n Ren\u00e9e Tillotson, Director, founded Still & Moving Center to share mindful movement arts from around the globe. Her inspiration comes from the Joy and moving meditation she experiences in the practice of Nia, and from the lifelong learning she\u2019s gained at the Institute of World Culture in Santa Barbara, California. Engaged in a life-long spiritual quest, Ren\u00e9e assembles the Still & Moving Center Almanac each year, filled with inspirational quotes by everyone from the Dalai Lama to Dolly Parton. Still & Moving Center aspires to serve the community, support the Earth and its creatures, and always be filled with laughter and friendship!<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/letter_renee.jpg” title_text=”21″ align=”center” disabled_on=”off|off|on” _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ _module_preset=”default” da_disable_devices=”off|off|off” global_colors_info=”{}” da_is_popup=”off” da_exit_intent=”off” da_has_close=”on” da_alt_close=”off” da_dark_close=”off” da_not_modal=”on” da_is_singular=”off” da_with_loader=”off” da_has_shadow=”on”][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_3,2_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_image=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/yoga-instructor_96.jpg” custom_padding=”0px||0px|||” locked=”off” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_image=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/lanikai_hoop-edit-scaled.jpg” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”2_3″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_color=”#24394a” background_image=”https:\/\/stillandmovingcenter.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/body_background.jpg” background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” custom_padding=”60px|60px|60px|60px|true|true” custom_padding_tablet=”50px|10vw|50px|10vw|true|true” custom_padding_phone=”30px||30px||true|false” custom_padding_last_edited=”on|phone” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.16″ header_text_color=”#9a5206″ header_2_font=”santana||||||||” header_2_text_color=”#9a5206″ header_2_font_size=”2vw” header_2_line_height=”1.1em” background_layout=”dark” max_width=”800px” custom_margin=”||||false|false” custom_margin_tablet=”|||0px|false|false” custom_margin_phone=”” custom_margin_last_edited=”on|phone” header_2_font_size_tablet=”45px” header_2_font_size_phone=”35px” header_2_font_size_last_edited=”on|phone” locked=”off” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_button button_url=”https:\/\/apps.apple.com\/us\/app\/still-moving-center\/id1424600988″ url_new_window=”on” button_text=”APPLE APP STORE” button_alignment=”center” _builder_version=”4.16″ _module_preset=”default” custom_button=”on” button_text_color=”#FFFFFF” button_bg_color=”#fe9440″ button_border_color=”#fe9440″ button_border_radius=”24px” custom_margin=”||||false|false” animation_style=”slide” animation_direction=”right” animation_duration=”1550ms” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_button][et_pb_button button_url=”https:\/\/play.google.com\/store\/apps\/details?id=com.fitnessmobileapps.stillandmovingcenter” url_new_window=”on” button_text=”GOOGLE PLAY STORE” button_alignment=”center” _builder_version=”4.16″ _module_preset=”default” custom_button=”on” button_text_color=”#FFFFFF” button_bg_color=”#fe9440″ button_border_color=”#fe9440″ button_border_radius=”24px” custom_margin=”||||false|false” animation_style=”slide” animation_direction=”right” animation_duration=”1550ms” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_button][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Sarah Hodges I feel very honored to have a writer and human being with such an authentic voice as Sarah Hodges to pen the lead story this month. Sarah […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":29467,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_EventAllDay":false,"_EventTimezone":"","_EventStartDate":"","_EventEndDate":"","_EventStartDateUTC":"","_EventEndDateUTC":"","_EventShowMap":false,"_EventShowMapLink":false,"_EventURL":"","_EventCost":"","_EventCostDescription":"","_EventCurrencySymbol":"","_EventCurrencyCode":"","_EventCurrencyPosition":"","_EventDateTimeSeparator":"","_EventTimeRangeSeparator":"","_EventOrganizerID":[],"_EventVenueID":[],"_OrganizerEmail":"","_OrganizerPhone":"","_OrganizerWebsite":"","_VenueAddress":"","_VenueCity":"","_VenueCountry":"","_VenueProvince":"","_VenueState":"","_VenueZip":"","_VenuePhone":"","_VenueURL":"","_VenueStateProvince":"","_VenueLat":"","_VenueLng":"","_VenueShowMap":false,"_VenueShowMapLink":false,"cybocfi_hide_featured_image":"yes","footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[125,142],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-29078","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-letter-from-the-director","category-life-at-the-center-letter-from-the-director"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nRen\u00e9e Tillotson<\/h3>\n
Get the Still & Moving App<\/h2>\n